About a year ago, I had a really clear sense that God was calling me to step it up. Not just in the “workout 5 times this week because you only did 4 times last week” kind of way, but rather in the “you’re gonna shed even more of the old Kristen and step up even more into the life I’ve called you to.” However, I didn’t realize the extent of what this last year has brought about in me. God truly has ripped away everything that was a source of stability and normality to my operating system. I’m not just talking about the obvious things like my job, my friends, etc. It’s things like insecurity, pride, knowitallness, self-sufficiency, self-protection, anger, discouragement, and even a big thing here-“bitter root expectancy.” Let me tell you-seeing the depths of these things have been gut-wrenching & really hard. It’s also really hard to realize that just because I have always been this way, doesn’t mean I’m supposed to stay this way. God didn’t create me to live so self-sufficiently that I give my friends and family the impression that I don’t need them. God didn’t create me to be so insecure that I cared more about what people thought of me than what he thought about me. God did not gift me with an amazing husband and 2 beautiful little boys only for me to emasculate them & make them feel like they could never measure up just because I’m a know-it-all task master that can let efficiency and tasks get in the way of relationships. Now please hear me, I do a lot of things right-these are just the things being sloughed off & surrendered so that all of the fabulous things that God gifted me with could shine through his glory, not me & the junk that has accumulated in my heart.
The first one that he asked for was me to surrender my insecurity. It sounds weird to say that it is hard to not be insecure anymore. I mean who wants to stay insecure. Well, in an odd sort of way, I think it is easier for us to stay the way we’ve been instead of fighting to change and be different. I mean I’ve always gotten to hide behind being insecure. I got to blame things on my insecurity, that was my identity with my friends, I got to OBSESS about things that didn’t matter in order to avoid the things that did. It worked for me because I got to trust in me and my ability to make things right, people happy, and fix it if it was broken. I didn’t really have to trust that God was with me and would protect me. I was the boss and I like it that way. However, it wasn’t working for God anymore and he called me on it. I’m not perfect & the epitome of confidence just yet, but I’m getting there. I’m not giving away my dignity nearly as much anymore & I’m daily surrendering my comfort zone so that I can experience life through his comfort zone for me. You can read more about this here as it was the start of this journey: https://kfranklin.wordpress.com/2010/09/08/my-persistent-insecurity/
Anywho, that’s all for now. I feel a bit spastic in my thoughts b/c I think so much of what has happened this year is so cool and there are so many things I want to get out of my brain. God has done a mighty work in me, my heart, my marriage, and my relationship with my boys and I so want him to get the glory for it.